Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Pity Party, My House 1:00p.m.

I had my PET scan last week and received my results on Friday. There is no cancer in the hip, or the chest area...great. However, there is a small spot on L1 Vertebrae that they believe to be cancer. The doctor says it could be a healing spot too. The current plan: we will keep an eye on it (I'm sorry, let's take care of it NOW!). I guess a decision will be made at the next PET scan 3 months from now. In the meantime, this will continue eating at my sanity until then. I have had some slight hip pain and lower back pain (let me tell you about the power of suggestion!).

I am having a really hard time with this. I think it is because I had it in my head that I had this thing beat. I mean I was in remission...I planned on staying that way until I was 50 or so. So now I have to deal with this blow (minor, yes, but disheartening nonetheless). The positive in this is that it is a small spot AND none of my major organs are affected. I guess until it is confirmed CANCER, I am still in remission.

I keep thinking about the 5 year survival rate for Stage 4 Breast cancer. It's like 16 - 20 %. Ryan will only be 7. Will he even remember me? How is Sydney going to survive teenage-hood without a mother? Will my sensitive little Ethan be ok? How will Shawn survive being a single parent of 3 kids? These are the questions that constantly go through my head right now.

Why don't I deserve to raise my kids and see them grow up? Why must I fight for something that so many others take for advantage? This is the pity party part. I planned on keeping my cute new 'do because it was cute. Now, I just want to have less that falls out through the next round of chemo (this hasn't been discussed yet, but I am preparing). Is this going to affect my reconstruction? What about my new gym membership? This is so frustrating. Pity Party.

Once I am able to get a hold of these emotions, I will be able to continue on my fight and beat this stupid "intrusion" on my life. Until then, please excuse my little pity party. I hope it doesn't last long :)

Monday, February 1, 2010

Radiation is done!

Woot! Radiation is now complete! I am so happy that I don't have to get up early and drive down Ironwood with the crazy morning rush hour traffic any more. I was really starting to get nervous...I can't tell you how many times I was nearly rear ended. The skin on my side is peeling horribly. It is no longer bright purple/red, but a very dark tan look. I can now get almost completely dressed. :) I will miss the radiation therapists though. They were really nice.

As of now, I am patiently waiting until I can get my next PET scan. I believe it will be sometime towards the end of March. I have to wait until the chest wall heals from radiation. I guess the inflammation from the radiation will cause the area to "appear" hot when it really isn't. I have been having some pain in my hip again. It isn't anything like it was, just an annoying ache. I am hoping that it is due to the arthritis affect rather than anything else.

It's funny. Once I got this diagnosis, I became a hypochondriac. I am so scared with every new ache and pain. I don't want to live with that fear, so I am hoping that with the next PET scan, my fears will be alleviated some.

I am hoping that I can start reconstruction sometime in May. I will most likely have the other breast removed (precautionary) and then go for the new "girls". I understand that reconstruction can be rather painful too. So not looking forward to that.

Things around the house are great. I have recently started the addicting habit of scrapbooking. I love it so much! (Although it can develop into an expensive habit). I have also been going to the gym so that I can work on my health. I want everything in my corner as I continue to fight. All is good and I am happy :)